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“Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?” asks Mary Oliver in a famous poem.  What is your answer?

And on a spectrum between  faint interest and rabid obsession  when are you in the red zone?  These days, when do you light up? Sometimes the details of humdrum making a living are so entangling that even the idea of passion loses it juice. Gregg Levoy, in Callings, says that “passion is accompanied by the sound of primal yahoos, castanets in the heart, the beating of wings.” When  and where do you experience this upsurge?

Passion is what we would do if we weren’t worried about consequences or the neighbor’s opinions or our self-image or just stuck in  outdated routines.. It is the path we would follow if we dared rip away the “shoulds” of our lives and seek beneath them for meaning and connection. The form passion takes is less important than the movement to staple it to our living. Regardless of whether we take up  the tenor sax, or  trek in Nepal, began writing children’s books or open a knitted shawl business, something profound shifts. Sometimes adversity points out strengths we didn’t know we possessed, or   a collaboration leads us in a new direction. We  may educate ourselves into a calling or simply add a magical  ingredient to our life without a total overhaul.  Regardless, we must find the courage to seek our aliveness. The movement towards our passion is  more critical  than the shape it takes.

Often we freeze because we believe  that living into passion means reconstructing our lives from the ground up – a daunting enterprise.  Sometimes inertia imprisons us. If we re-frame our fears, we find moving into passion more like a breathing into a conspiracy of Life coming to meet us, if we dare whisper what  ignites our creative force.

Reflection: In a journal over the next two weeks, record those events of each day where you came present. What sensations signaled that shift? What thoughts arose? After the two weeks, review for any emerging patterns. Then ask yourself: How can I bring more of this into my life?  What next steps am I willing to commit to and for what length of time? Who can support me in this?

Passion connects us to our humanity – our dynamic, creative potential. Through a passionate engagement  we respond to life  deeply, fully. Breath deeply, come  present and dance into your fullness. Like the knock of Love at the door, when passion rings the bell, there is only one response: Follow!

Do your relationships feel stale? Are you wondering where intimacy is hibernating? Are you experiencing the “blahs” when you long to feel engaged, engrossed and connected? The sparkle may have fizzled or been stillborn. Now, your feelings of closeness may be hitchhiking towards the hills.

Unlike most skills, we are rarely taught how to communicate on a deep level. And in our busy lives, we often share the details of our days rather than the contents of our hearts. Intimacy is a habit that needs fostering like a good tennis serve or cleaning the trunk of the car. And the results are far more beneficial.

Start small. And start with yourself. (Its so easy to expect “the other” to be responsible for communication and connection.) Avoid setting up a “serious conversation”. Its almost guaranteed to build stress and cause avoidance. Be more forthcoming about your own feelings. Use phrases like “I wonder if…” or “Sometimes, I doubt whether I…” or “I’ve noticed I’m happiest when…”

State your feelings rather than your opinions on topics that are important. If what you’re saying includes the word “that,” hold back! Warning: most sentences of feeling that contain the word “that” – aren’t! They’re judgments! Use your smarts here. Think about it. Saying something like “I feel that she [or you)…” is not stating a feeling – its an opinion. That’s very different. Feelings words are words like: ashamed, embarrassed, sad, apprehensive, frightened, delighted, excited, nervous, serene, etc. Intimacy is built on feelings, not critiques. Watch how you express yours.

Ask questions about feelings too. “How do you feel about that?” is not the same as “What do you think about that?” Most of us express our thoughts far more readily and often than our feelings. Yet sharing what we feel is what connects us to another. When you’ve asked the question and your partner responds with, “I think…” listen carefully and try to focus on the feeling behind the thoughts. A gentle, “Umm, I get your thinking and am wondering how you  are feeling.” This takes practice – for both of you.

Remember, a deep breath is a good tool  to use before plunging in.  Also, it’s not helpful to criticize by pointing out what’s lacking when your partner shares. Taking in the words and the emotions you sense in much more helpful. And then, noticing what this evokes in you – your emotions and what arises in your body. Sharing that helps bring the conversations into the “Now” and away from history or projection of the future.  By far,  more useful are questions that bring  you both  to where you’ll be sharing on a more meaningful level what is true in this moment.

Practice courage. When you find yourself avoiding a topic, analyze why it’s hard to bring up. Ask yourself, “What concern, need, fear or desire is attached to this topic. What am I trying to avoid?” You may need to ask this question many times before the answers reaches you through whatever filters you’ve  creatde to bypass a difficult issue You may want to jot down the answers. The first ones may just begin to lead you down the trail to what is really at stake for you. Look closely at the thoughts that arise. When you can answer those question honestly you’re ready to bravely move forward. Know that successfully tackling these “hot buttons” builds confidence.

If the commitment to the relationship is bigger than the fear of the response you may  receive, the courage to tackle the difficult topics will appear! Make that a question you frequently ask yourself when you find yourself “just letting it go.’ Letting “it” go rarely is. Most often it is shutting a part of yourself down.

There’s a sad truth about hot buttons. Usually the topics we avoid are those that need airing most. When you’re clear on what makes a particular issue a “hot button” topic, take a deep breath. Develop an “I” statement to open the dialogue. “I” statements avoid blame. They are statements over which we take responsibility rather than point a finger. “I feel frightened when weeks go by without cuddling,” or “I felt secure when you told your parents we couldn’t visit until my big project was over,” are examples of “I” statements. They open a meaningful conversation and invite sharing.

Be realistic. You can only work on your end of the relationship. And that takes practice, a sense of humor and courage. Like any skill executed with style and confidence, practice and realistic expectations are the main ingredients. And when you fumble, laugh at yourself. Failure is only feedback on how to succeed next time.

When working on creating connection, remember to start small, start with yourself, be ready to laugh at yourself. Develop courage, be realistic and be patient. And try and try again. The result is strong cement that binds you with the human race, one person at a time.

Whether we’re dealing with under-performing employees, challenging direct reports, negotiating with difficult clients or discussing breakdowns on projects, difficult conversations arise. Few leaders understand the dynamics of difficult conversations. Most avoid them.

Great leaders skillfully decipher the structure of difficult conversations, interpret the significance of what was said, identify their own unspoken assumptions and manage strong emotions. They then try to discover the assumptions of the other person and navigate to resolutions that empower all parties.

Delivering a difficult message, no matter how much tact the speaker brings, is going to sting, maybe do real damage. There is a much better way however, than avoiding the issue or burying it in a larger issue or letting it “leak out” sideways.   Even when the difficulty is palpable, the conversation can be less stressful and more productive when some critical steps are taken.

What does it take to become masterful where it counts? First, separate impact from intention. If you focus only on impact, you will be unable to listen deeply to the other person who is acting from his specific intentions. The inability to separate keeps you in “blame” mode – unproductive at best and destructive to the relationship at worst.

Hold your view  of what is happening as a hypothesis. Remember, in science class you learned that a hypothesis is just as useful when it is proven wrong. Stay open to another interpretation of “the facts.” (And don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis.)

Listen past the accusations for the underlying feelings – yours and his. These need to be addressed as much as “the facts” if you hope to arrive at a resolution that dignifies all. Try assuming the other person’s role. How does it look from there? Regardless of the organizational culture, feelings cannot be dispensed with. Trying to eliminate feelings leads to broken agreements and destructive work place environments.

Use the language of feelings when talking about them. Say “I feel….” and beware the word “that” creeping into your expression. When you say, “I feel that…” you have left the arena of feelings and moved, almost imperceptibly, to judgment.  Stay aware! Feeling language includes such adjectives as disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, exhilarated, enthusiastic, etc.  A great resource for the language of feelings and needs can be found on the Center for Non-Violent Communication web site. Giving voice to your feelings  models for the other party that emotion is  a legitimate part of your  conversation

Turn “my story” vs. “your story” into “our story” and give up blaming. Clearly each person in the situation has a point of view of what happened  that they will put forth. When these are woven together into a wider, third perspective, more of the “truth” of what happened is available.

We are complicated and so are our intentions. Move from judgment to investigating all the contributing factors  to the current situation – like avoiding, being unapproachable and role assumptions. This is a movement away from looking backward to instead,  looking ahead.

Expect imperfection. Allow yourself and the other person to be human, therefore to make mistakes. Failure is  only feedback!  If what is driving you is a an intention to have a productive, meaningful conversation that leads to either a solution to a current problem or a better relationship if future, the effort will be rewarded with improved communication skills.

And if there is more to resolve than one conversation can contain, agree to come back. Sometimes 2 or 3 passes are required to unknot a complex situation. Reflection time  between conversations can only be helpful, never harmful.

Finally, acknowledge yourself and the other  person for  your willingness to take part in a difficult conversation.

The other day, two friends were discussing current projects at work. I listened to their conversation with curiosity. Joe described his project as “a battle” while Karen used “a journey” to describe her experience. He laughingly pointed to the difference in their metaphors and I was struck by how the difference affected their approach to very similar situations.

“Listen deeply,” we are often told by communication experts. Though we nod sagely in response, what exactly are we agreeing to do? I suggest a critical first step is to attend to the metaphors those we are listening to utilize which frame their unique perspective on reality.

We learned in literature class that metaphors and similes add interest to our writing and speech. And while that is true, in this article we will concentrate on metaphors as more than a linguistic device. Let’s look instead at metaphor as a means to interpret the speaker (or writer’s) world.

Metaphor is used here as any circumstance when a person uses one conceptual category, circumstance or thing to define or describe another; essentially to understand and experience one thing in terms of something else.

Linguist George Lakoff and philosopher Mark Johnson provide convincing evidence that metaphors may actually be people’s primary mode of mental operation. They argue that because the mind is “embodied” – that is, it experiences the world through the body in which it resides – people cannot help but conceptualize the world in terms of bodily perceptions. Our concepts of up-down, in-out, front-back, light-dark, warm-cold are all related to orientations and perceptions acquired through bodily senses.

“She is a top performer” indicates a vertical orientation while “ he is falling behind” indicates a horizontal one. In the book, Metaphors We Live By, Lakoff and Johnson suggest that the metaphors through which people conceptualize abstract concepts influence the way in which they understand them. Furthermore, this understanding frames their actions which reinforces the metaphors, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Consider some familiar expressions people use when describing ideas as food, plants, and commodities. (Italics for metaphors are used throughout this article to make them stand out.)

Ideas Are Food

What he said left a bad taste in my mouth. These are nothing but half-baked ideas, and warmed over theories.  I can’t digest all these new ideas. Can you swallow that claim?

Doesn’t that argument smell fishy? Now here’s an idea you can really sink your teeth into. She devours information.  This is the meaty part of the paper.

Ideas Are Plants

She has a fertile imagination. Her ideas have come to fruition. That idea died on the vine. That’s a budding theory. The seeds of his great ideas were planted in his youth. He has a barren mind.

Ideas Are Commodities

There is always a market for good ideas. Great ideas are currency in the intellectual marketplace. It is important how you package your ideas.  She has been a source of valuable ideas.

What can we discern about the speakers of these sentences? It is no surprise that humans attempt to understand vague, abstract or complex concepts in terms of more familiar experiences. The point is that the metaphor a person selects to frame a concept/experience necessarily focuses attention on some aspects while ignoring others.

If ideas are commodities, then they must be marketable. Focusing attention onthis metaphor emphasizes how these ideas will be received (bought) by other people and whether they are saleable. This is very different from an orientation that holds ideas are plants. If ideas are plants, instead of rushing to get them out the door and to crank out as many as possible, ideas can be allowed to ripen and mature, to come to fruition. For the speaker who holds ideas are food, they are to be digested. Many ideas can then be tasted and tried. Ideas are to be consumed by that speaker.

In listening deeply we are able to note how the speaker who orients to holding ideas as commodities places value externally. A belief is expressed that value is in the eyes of the beholder (or buyer). Once we recognize this belief, we can check out whether this is true in other parts of life for this person. If his orientation is external, he places importance on how he is perceived. What behaviors would follow from this orientation? How would he assess others? Where would he find meaning? What role would self-image play in his life?

Returning to the conversation with my friends, I note that Joe, who holds his experience as a battle, may see his role as a general and his direct reports as his battalion. He is more likely to see his organization as a hierarchy than an opportunity for collaboration and to interpret requests of him as orders and to issue commands that are non-negotiable. What becomes important when listening deeply to Joe is checking whether this orientation holds for the rest of his life. If so, what is the cost to him to hold life this way? What is missing for him?

Karen, holding her project as a journey, comes to it with many questions, approaches her direct reports as fellow travelers and mapmakers. Together they are attempting to find the best route, knowing that there may be delays and that they may be sidetracked but that the pit stops may be as important/useful as the final destination. What can we learn about Karen’s behavior in the rest of her life? What challenges might she face when called upon to make executive decisions? Is she able to give compelling directions? What is the cost to her to hold life with this perspective?

Since metaphors are particularly useful, as they define roles, how the speaker sees himself and others, becomes clear to the listener. From here, an understanding of the speaker’s experience of the world emerges. Often, metaphors become an excellent predictor of the behavior the speaker will naturally assume. Knowing this, the deep listener can anticipate breakdowns.

When I worked with teachers, I heard many metaphors that disclosed the teacher’s orientation to his students. My classroom is a zoo, or my kids are really blossoming told me a great deal about how that teacher perceived of himself, his role, his students and education.

If a speaker sees himself as a gardener, his direct reports are plants to be cultivated. If he is a shepherd, they are sheep, unable to think for themselves. Furthermore, do these speakers think of their family members, friends and associates this way? What behavior would be predicated by these ways of orienting to others? To themselves?

We can begin to develop the competence of listening deeply by taking note of the metaphors we hear. We start with ourselves. Becoming aware of the metaphors we use, holding questions about the natural behavior that follows from this perspective and orientation, checking it out and anticipating breakdowns make the command, “listen deeply” indeed a powerful one – for ourselves and those with whom we wish to connect. And while listening deeply is a complex competence. Beginning to pay close attention to metaphors is a powerful way to begin.

The man who believes he can do something is probably right, and so is the man who believes he can’t.  So what’s it going to be? Are you attaching to your very sticky, very clingy limiting beliefs about what you can’t accomplish or taking garden shears and cutting through  the velcro to make a shift?

You may trip over words such as “discipline” and “practice” as you move along the path. You may stop cold at the first setback and never take another step. You may begin to stroll in the general direction of your dreams humming a tune of defeat all the while and wonder why you can’t progress..

What does it take to make the shift – slight or grand, that will move you towards your unique contribution?  Two important strategies taken together are critical.

First,  we MUST plan for setbacks. Setbacks are a part of the natural process of change. Forgetting to plan for them is often the preventative factor in achieving our outcomes.  This planning may take many forms i.e. financial planning  for a slow period, or setting up a support group for times of discouragement.  Accepting that setbacks are normal while stepping  out  on the road to change lowers the hurdles on the path.

Second, rehearse relapses. Folks giving up smoking usually relapse on the 60th day. Knowing what you’ll do on the 61st day allows you to move past the relapse without losing energy in bashing yourself. Writing down the steps you’ll take immediately, if you relapse, supports your  forward momentum i.e.calling your coach; acknowledging you are human in an email to a friend.

Change IS possible. Use proven strategies to shear through the beliefs that prevent you from moving through the roadblocks. Then celebrate big!

We speak lightly of Presence so often – in working with ourselves, in working with our clients. Yet, we don’t often think of it as the key to developing courage!

This morning as this quote came across my screen, I began to ponder it more deeply.
First the quote:

There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hand. ~Thoreau

When our strongest intuitions arise in technicolor, they come from dropping deeply into the moment. And what does “the moment” provide when entered into fully?

The Truth – yes with a capital “T”.

If we are able to be with the Truth of whatever is arising – no deflection, no avoidance, no belittling, no judging – no resistance of any kind something profound occurs. We begin to become more permeable, less stiff, less rigid, allowing more spaciousness. And in that space, courage blossoms as we notice that we’re actually okay!

A little known aspect of being Present – not planning or manipulating or dreaming or wistfully longing is that our Presence ultimately transcends our anxieties and fear. By entering into what is up for us – pleasant or unpleasant and exploring it fully, it begins to move, to breathe in and out… and with practice, staying tuned in rather than tuning out – we transcend our fears, our anxieties by noticing that we’re actually okay – the roof isn’t collapsing, the arresting officer isn’t at the door. We have clothes to wear, food to eat, shelter from the storm. More than most people on the planet can say!

And what is most amazing? When we are Present with this moment and the next and the one after that, our capacity to stay Present grows. And moreover, our Presence invites others to courageously move into Presence as well.

So not only we developing more courage to meet Life as it arrives, but we also invites others into this action. As we stay grounded in Presence, they too, find ground beneath their feet to be with Life – and their experience of it. As so much of wisdom, this is simple but not easy. Yet, what precious quality is easily developed? Most require commitment. As we commit ourselves, we begin to engage more fully with others, ourselves and Life unfolding.

So, let’s pause in the endless cycle of “Next,” and not sacrifice the bloom of the present moment!

Lennon and McCartney said it.  Rumi, Kabir, Hafiz (and other Sufis) wrote about it. Religion and culture chime in loudly about the importance of it. The  total mass of songs, poems and movies that implore us to find it, keep it and renew it could create another planet. The lectures, articles and books on love and compassion for the human race, a specific “other”  and the self fill the airwaves, bookshelves and ezines of our lives. So what is the fuss all about? Is it about romance or sex, connection or intimacy?

Ask yourself, “What if love were the single greatest tool for personal development”?  How might that change the way you view your intimate relationship?  If we look at the relationship we have with the beloved,  can we connect with the Beloved? Beyond the romantic elements, the physical delights,  the pain and misunderstanding, the frustration and the joy, lurks a path to awakening that accelerates the process of maturation a thousand fold.

“Shelf-help” as Wendy Palmer likes to call it, can advise us about meeting, wooing and  bedding perhaps wedding  the attractive candidate. Only being in a relationship that names “coming home to oneself” as the greatest goal, brings us Love, with the capital L.

Stephen and Ondrea Levine say “Few recognize the enormous power of a relationship as a vehicle for physical. spiritual, and emotional healing.”  Why is this true?

We are enculturated into a view of  intimate relationship as romantic.  And the definition for romantic is fairly narrow at that. Rarely do we encounter role models for partnering as a path to awakening to our true nature.

Relationships are the stage upon which we play out our very young understanding of love in its many guises. What we  were told (and taught) about love by our caretakers  when we were little shows up in our adult relationships. What we experienced in our very impressionable early years of development, before we could speak,  also shows up. How our parents treated one another is often a more indelible experience than their words about “being loving.” The same is true for  the injunctions of priests, rabbis, teachers, scout leaders, etc. How lovingly we were treated effects us long past the exit of many players from the stage of our lives.  What we needed and desired as vulnerable children (and didn’t get) we attempt to redress through our partners. This puts enormous pressure on our lovers – impossible pressure, as they too seek solace for  early unmet  needs.

In psychology, we learn of “object relations”  which deeply affect our loving connections.  These ways to relating to others basically casts them in a role of an important early caretaker unconsciously – so we don’t see the person – we are “back with” the important mother or father or granny. When we unconsciously stop seeing our beloved by replacing him or her with a parent  (with whom we  all have unresolved issues) we attempt to heal the past. By its very nature, the past cannot be undone, but we try again and again to have a “do over” which never works.  What works instead?

Recognizing that a relationship is the perfect place to practice transparency, commitment (especially when times are challenging),  generosity,  healthy boundaries (caring for the other without merging) deep listening, compassion are steps along the path. The method is being Present, both to arises within and to the real other before you,

And when things go awry,  and they always do, looking at the situation from an undefended position, begs us hold the question of “where am I in this?”  What is my contribution? Seeking out the truth of old pain and unresolved suffering  that arises and allowing our partner to be in it with us, rather than suppressing or denying  it allows us to begin the healing. When we can enter into our partners pain without trying to make it go away, hold space for her suffering and be a witness, we continue the healing process. These acts of loving  often are called forth when we are triggered into the old feelings…  yet being with the experience, sharing our feelings of shame, guild, abandonment, loss or grief  creates the intimacy that ultimately heals, that accelerates our maturation.

Rather than leaning on the beloved to hold us up, we become two upright entities that evolve beside one another without creating a hindering shadow. So yes, all you need is love, real love which transcends romance.