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Who’s Running the Show?

June 5, 2014 Reply

Your stomach is tied up in knots. You need to tell a colleague what you really think, but you can’t…fearful of the reaction.

Sweat breaks out on your palms. You need to say ‘No” to an unreasonable request, but a voice within tells you saying no isn’t acceptable.

Who’s running the show? You or your inner critic?

Arianna Huffington, President and Editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post said, “We may not be able to tune our inner critics out entirely, but we don’t have to let them run the show.”

So where did these inner critics come from? . Were inner critics always once outer critics? How did they get so powerful?

The popular thinking is that the outer critics were our primary caretakers. In order to have our safety, nourishment and connection needs met, we took on their priorities (and cut off parts of ourselves). Over time, their voices became our inner critic.

Now, in our day-to-day life we play out the tension between our (hopefully more) evolved, integrated  adult selves and the inner critic that arose in childhood. Yet, certain scenarios bring out the worst in us.

Is  there someone  at work who makes you hold back, too meek to speak?

Who is it you can see yourself wanting to give a quick kick to the groin? (Come on we all have these thoughts from time to time.) You don’t have to berate yourself for the thoughts. Berating yourself is a way of knowing you’re under attack by the inner critic.

You can do something useful about it.

Okay, go somewhere quiet. Now, imagine a recent situation and visualize your inner critic sitting across from you. Take a minute, two at the most and play the scene in your head where you say everything to this inner including, “F–K off”.

You may have to go back and re-do this scene several times. And you’ll have to defend against the next attack and the one after that. Your defense will come more automatically and will be shorter and shorter. How will you know you have tamed the inner critic?

Your body’s  intelligence will  become more familiar.  You’ll get to know   that place somewhere near your navel that will relax, not be so tied in “KNOTS” from the “NOTS” once you tell this annoying inner critic to back off.

And soon, without leaving the scene completely, your inner critic will learn that YOU are running the show.

 

innercritic

Getting the Life You Want: One Daily Deed

May 27, 2014 Reply

aha womanAre you overwhelmed? Do you have BIG plans for personal improvement? Does every evening bring disappointment because you didn’t achieve all you wanted? Perhaps you are tired of striving and failing…hearing a harsh negative voice in your head put you down.

Here’s the good news. When you change (or build) one habit, that one action has a cumulative effect so taking on one shift, one change, or one new thing, makes a much wider impact than you plan.

Example: You decide to stretch every morning before work. You set an alarm on your phone for 7:10 and for the next 15 minutes, you proceed to do a series of stretching exercises. One new thing – and a fairly easy one with the support of your technology and an announcement to a few friends. Stay with me here….

Fast forward to the office. You’re reaching for a folder on a high shelf, and suddenly find yourself smiling. You remember that you diligently (and without much effort) remembered to stretched earlier that morning. A wave of good feeling (with the accompanying hormones) washes through you. You decide to have a nourishing salad for lunch rather than the calorie loaded office pizza.

Feeling proud of yourself for choosing a healthy lunch (why undermine those morning stretches?) you find ten minutes to step outside and walk briskly before heading into a barrage of meetings.

When you do enter the conference room, you’re feeling alive, awake and even a teeny bit enthusiastic – great energy to take into your meeting.

While walking and eating a healthy lunch weren’t commitments you jotted down on your TO DO list, the one daily deed you chose, stretching, led to a larger result – a cumulative, positive effect.

The “feel-good” hormones you produced were the gift that kept on giving…so you kept the momentum going without the requisite big push.

My point?

Rather than floundering in a river of changes, with lots of potential for failing and berating yourself (which you know leads to failure, not success) chose ONE daily deed. Write it down. Tell a few friends what you are up to. Find support for it – technological or human or both.

Then do it! That one daily deed.

Notice for a period of two weeks, what other positive actions you take. Jot those down.

Keeping that list and adding to it, builds momentum – both for the deed you’ve committed to and for generally increasing the benefit of a positive shift. Its a reward – tangible. This is important in building a habit.

Charles Duhigg in his bestselling book “The Power of Habit” teaches that habit relies on 3 parts: a cue, a routine and a reward. And this science of habit applies to you individually and to your organization.

The support you set up for your daily deed should include a cue (in my example, the alarm) like, an item on your To Do list. When you see the item, your cue, you don’t have to make a decision, you simply have to act.

Then you complete the action – the routine. In the case I use, stretching.

Finally, comes the reward. This can be physical – hormones saturating your system or acclaim- your tell your friends or a gift you buy yourself or anything you perceive as rewarding. You feel good about yourself now, and that sense of “goodness” carries over into other parts of your day.

Rather than going into despair that sounds like, “I’m not good enough” you can echo the message, “I completed my stretching today, “ which elevates your mood and moves you down the road to creating a new habit – one you’ve chosen.

So, begin with one daily deed – create a cue, complete the routine and reward yourself. That’s how you begin building the life you want.

 

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