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Communication 101 for Leaders

January 15, 2010 Reply

Whether we’re dealing with under-performing employees, challenging direct reports, negotiating with difficult clients or discussing breakdowns on projects, difficult conversations arise. Few leaders understand the dynamics of difficult conversations. Most avoid them.

Great leaders skillfully decipher the structure of difficult conversations, interpret the significance of what was said, identify their own unspoken assumptions and manage strong emotions. They then try to discover the assumptions of the other person and navigate to resolutions that empower all parties.

Delivering a difficult message, no matter how much tact the speaker brings, is going to sting, maybe do real damage. There is a much better way however, than avoiding the issue or burying it in a larger issue or letting it “leak out” sideways.   Even when the difficulty is palpable, the conversation can be less stressful and more productive when some critical steps are taken.

What does it take to become masterful where it counts? First, separate impact from intention. If you focus only on impact, you will be unable to listen deeply to the other person who is acting from his specific intentions. The inability to separate keeps you in “blame” mode – unproductive at best and destructive to the relationship at worst.

Hold your view  of what is happening as a hypothesis. Remember, in science class you learned that a hypothesis is just as useful when it is proven wrong. Stay open to another interpretation of “the facts.” (And don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis.)

Listen past the accusations for the underlying feelings – yours and his. These need to be addressed as much as “the facts” if you hope to arrive at a resolution that dignifies all. Try assuming the other person’s role. How does it look from there? Regardless of the organizational culture, feelings cannot be dispensed with. Trying to eliminate feelings leads to broken agreements and destructive work place environments.

Use the language of feelings when talking about them. Say “I feel….” and beware the word “that” creeping into your expression. When you say, “I feel that…” you have left the arena of feelings and moved, almost imperceptibly, to judgment.  Stay aware! Feeling language includes such adjectives as disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, exhilarated, enthusiastic, etc.  A great resource for the language of feelings and needs can be found on the Center for Non-Violent Communication web site. Giving voice to your feelings  models for the other party that emotion is  a legitimate part of your  conversation

Turn “my story” vs. “your story” into “our story” and give up blaming. Clearly each person in the situation has a point of view of what happened  that they will put forth. When these are woven together into a wider, third perspective, more of the “truth” of what happened is available.

We are complicated and so are our intentions. Move from judgment to investigating all the contributing factors  to the current situation – like avoiding, being unapproachable and role assumptions. This is a movement away from looking backward to instead,  looking ahead.

Expect imperfection. Allow yourself and the other person to be human, therefore to make mistakes. Failure is  only feedback!  If what is driving you is a an intention to have a productive, meaningful conversation that leads to either a solution to a current problem or a better relationship if future, the effort will be rewarded with improved communication skills.

And if there is more to resolve than one conversation can contain, agree to come back. Sometimes 2 or 3 passes are required to unknot a complex situation. Reflection time  between conversations can only be helpful, never harmful.

Finally, acknowledge yourself and the other  person for  your willingness to take part in a difficult conversation.

Tracking Intimacy: Getting Close to Your Partner

January 12, 2010 Reply

Do your relationships feel stale? Are you wondering where intimacy is hibernating? Are you experiencing the “blahs” when you long to feel engaged, engrossed and connected? The sparkle may have fizzled or been stillborn. Now, your feelings of closeness may be hitchhiking towards the hills.

Unlike most skills, we are rarely taught how to communicate on a deep level. And in our busy lives, we often share the details of our days rather than the contents of our hearts. Intimacy is a habit that needs fostering like a good tennis serve or cleaning the trunk of the car. And the results are far more beneficial.

Start small. And start with yourself. (Its so easy to expect “the other” to be responsible for communication and connection.) Avoid setting up a “serious conversation”. Its almost guaranteed to build stress and cause avoidance. Be more forthcoming about your own feelings. Use phrases like “I wonder if…” or “Sometimes, I doubt whether I…” or “I’ve noticed I’m happiest when…”

State your feelings rather than your opinions on topics that are important. If what you’re saying includes the word “that,” hold back! Warning: most sentences of feeling that contain the word “that” – aren’t! They’re judgments! Use your smarts here. Think about it. Saying something like “I feel that she [or you)…” is not stating a feeling – its an opinion. That’s very different. Feelings words are words like: ashamed, embarrassed, sad, apprehensive, frightened, delighted, excited, nervous, serene, etc. Intimacy is built on feelings, not critiques. Watch how you express yours.

Ask questions about feelings too. “How do you feel about that?” is not the same as “What do you think about that?” Most of us express our thoughts far more readily and often than our feelings. Yet sharing what we feel is what connects us to another. When you’ve asked the question and your partner responds with, “I think…” listen carefully and try to focus on the feeling behind the thoughts. A gentle, “Umm, I get your thinking and am wondering how you  are feeling.” This takes practice – for both of you.

Remember, a deep breath is a good tool  to use before plunging in.  Also, it’s not helpful to criticize by pointing out what’s lacking when your partner shares. Taking in the words and the emotions you sense in much more helpful. And then, noticing what this evokes in you – your emotions and what arises in your body. Sharing that helps bring the conversations into the “Now” and away from history or projection of the future.  By far,  more useful are questions that bring  you both  to where you’ll be sharing on a more meaningful level what is true in this moment.

Practice courage. When you find yourself avoiding a topic, analyze why it’s hard to bring up. Ask yourself, “What concern, need, fear or desire is attached to this topic. What am I trying to avoid?” You may need to ask this question many times before the answers reaches you through whatever filters you’ve  creatde to bypass a difficult issue You may want to jot down the answers. The first ones may just begin to lead you down the trail to what is really at stake for you. Look closely at the thoughts that arise. When you can answer those question honestly you’re ready to bravely move forward. Know that successfully tackling these “hot buttons” builds confidence.

If the commitment to the relationship is bigger than the fear of the response you may  receive, the courage to tackle the difficult topics will appear! Make that a question you frequently ask yourself when you find yourself “just letting it go.’ Letting “it” go rarely is. Most often it is shutting a part of yourself down.

There’s a sad truth about hot buttons. Usually the topics we avoid are those that need airing most. When you’re clear on what makes a particular issue a “hot button” topic, take a deep breath. Develop an “I” statement to open the dialogue. “I” statements avoid blame. They are statements over which we take responsibility rather than point a finger. “I feel frightened when weeks go by without cuddling,” or “I felt secure when you told your parents we couldn’t visit until my big project was over,” are examples of “I” statements. They open a meaningful conversation and invite sharing.

Be realistic. You can only work on your end of the relationship. And that takes practice, a sense of humor and courage. Like any skill executed with style and confidence, practice and realistic expectations are the main ingredients. And when you fumble, laugh at yourself. Failure is only feedback on how to succeed next time.

When working on creating connection, remember to start small, start with yourself, be ready to laugh at yourself. Develop courage, be realistic and be patient. And try and try again. The result is strong cement that binds you with the human race, one person at a time.