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IS FEAR SHUTTING YOU DOWN?

August 12, 2013 Reply

You’ve left the building…the city. Worse, you’ve left your body!  Sometimes the fear of feeling what you’re feeling is far worse than the experience. It can close down your breathing, contract your whole body, shut down your emotions, create so much anxiety that you dart from thought to thought or place to place. From this place, there is no resolution – no rest. And there is no NOW!

What makes us leave the present? Stress. And the irony is that stress is part of life – small ones and large ones. Good ones and awful ones. (Yes, stress can be positive like getting engaged.) Stress comes in more flavors than Baskin-Robbins. While most people exit the moment at its first warning signs, there’s good news! Really good news.

You don’t have to run or hide. You can take charge of your response. Its easy, much easier than you think.

Here are 5 signs that you’re in trouble and what you can do about them.

One: You’re squeaking!

When we’re not being ourselves, we tend to use a high voice. We’re not projecting from our belly and chances are everything below the neck is starved of breath.  Are you talking super fast? Another sign of discomfort.

What to do? Place your hands on your abdomen. Imagine speaking from there. Nice and easy does it. As you speak, feel the support of the floor or chair beneath you.

Two: You’re Contracting!

Am I clenching my butt, my hands or my jaw? Our bodies are billions of cells firing at once and those cells can’t be fooled. Tension in your being is picked up instantly by your body. When you’re not present,, you’re tense.

What to do? Do a body scan. Find the tense culprit and relax that muscle group.

Three: You’ve stopped  breathing?

Shallow breathing in the chest area vs. the belly will not only change your voice, it’s also a signal of fear, nervousness and playing the game of inauthenticity.

What to do? Take a few breaths, extending the exhale with an audible sound. Five or six or these will bring the oxygen to all the needed parts and settle your nervous system.

Four: You’ve blocked your feelings.

Not being clear which emotions you are experiencing in a sure sign you’re in trouble.

What to do? Close your eyes and sense into your experience. What image or words arise? Stay with the image (or words) until you can isolate an emotion. Then allow that feeling to unfold.

Five: You’re being hyper-vigilant.

When we’re feeling safe and authentically in the moment, we relax and respond naturally to what’s showing up. When we’re not, we’re hyper-vigilant, watching others for signs that we’re accepted and okay.

When we’re in the present, our reactions are authentic, and we feel safe to shine our gifts onto the world.

What to do? The 4 above in any sequence.

Of course, if you practice during the non-stressful times, you’ll know what to do when the inevitable stresses show up. So what are you waiting for? Start now and head off trouble at the bend.

DON’T SEARCH FOR THE ANSWERS

August 7, 2013 Reply

 

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

What one thing can you do today that will significantly change your life for the better?

Yes, that’s a question!

And the power of questions is what I’m sharing with you today.

Often, when we embark on a course of development, we become aware of how much there is to do. We focus on the shifts we want to make – eating healthier, exercising more, meditation, a new practice like yoga or a martial art, or learning a new skill, sitting with a teacher, deeper reading, etc. etc. And yes, it can be overwhelming.

When my clients bring their overwhelm to me, an effective antidote to their sense of discouragement, even despair, is to ask them to live into a question.

As Rilke eloquently points out in the quote above, living the questions – loving the questions, gradually brings us into the answers.

So what kind of questions am I talking about?

Try these on to see if any fit:

What is life calling me to do?
How is what I’m doing bringing me into alignment with who I am?
What is my heart yearning for?
What is my contribution to make?
What would deeper connection in my life look like?
What keeps me from being true to myself?
What does my soul long for?
If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I be doing now?
(Add your own)

Pick a question for the next month.

Live into the question this way:

Part One: Begin a journal with that question at the top. Come back to that journal every day for 28 days. Allow yourself to doodle, jot down a sentence or two, sketch, tear out a relevant piece from a magazine. Perhaps include a quotation or poem that speaks to your question. Capture the title of a film or TV show that concerns your question and comment upon it. (Do this either every evening or every morning to begin the day.) Capture in your journal whatever is showing up around your question. Don’t judge it or force it into a frame. Just capture it. Allow, allow, allow.

Part Two: Write your question where you’ll bump into it several times a day – perhaps on a sticky attached to your computer and on a 3X5 in your sock drawer; on a slip of paper in your wallet or attached to your medicine cabinet. Each time you encounter the question, pause a moment, take a full breath and exhale slowly…then go on about whatever you are doing.

At the end of the month, read over what you’ve captured. Answer these questions:

What is emerging?
What thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations arise as you look over your journal?
What are you seeing, learning, noticing by living into this question?

The practice of living into a question is powerful and revealing. Don’t beat yourself up about “not having answers.” Sometimes, having the right question is far more transformative.

5 SECRETS BRILLIANT WOMEN IN CHARGE NEED TO KNOW

August 6, 2013 Reply

Why are you floundering?

You are brilliant, insightful and have incredible ideas. I know because I keep meeting you – a brilliant woman with big ideas to contribute, important organizations and businesses to build, and provocative questions to ask.

But when we “get to it” you tell me that you’re not commanding power. And when we break it down even further, it comes to this: you equivocate, apologize – even look away as you speak.

I know this pattern. I used to do this too. And then I learned these secrets to powerful, authentic communication.

You can learn to stop undermining yourself.

Here are 5 secrets that have worked for me and hundreds of my amazing women clients.

1. Drop the “just:” “I’m just wondering…”
“I just think…”
“I just want to add…”
Just demeans what you have to say. “Just” shrinks your power. Get rid of  the “justs.”

2. Lose the “actually.” “I actually have a question…”
“I actually want to add something….”
“Actually” communicates a sense of surprise that you have something to say. Of course you have questions or value to add. There’s nothing surprising about it.

3. Don’t tell me that what you’re about to say is likely to be wrong. If you’re still starting sentences with, “I haven’t researched this but…”
“I’m just thinking off the top of my head but…” (notice the “just”?)
“You’ve clearly been working on this longer than I have, but…”
You aren’t standing behind what you’re saying for several reasons. Perhaps you’re not totally sure about what you’re going to say. Or you’re really afraid of being wrong so you’re buffering the sting of a critical response.

You’re indicating that you’re not committed to your words before anyone else has a chance to strongly disagree. This takes away the power of your voice! It’s time to change this habit and own what you say, even if you later change your mind.

4. Don’t tell us you’re “only going to take a minute” to say something. It sounds apologetic. How often in presentations do you hear women say, “I’m only going to take a minute to tell you about our service (product, company, etc.)”? Think how much more powerful is it to say, “I’d like to tell you about our company.” What you have to say is worthy of your audience’s time and attention. If you only want to take a moment, do it, but don’t use an apologetic phrase to belittle what you are saying.

5. Don’t make your sentences into questions. Women often raise their pitch at the end of a sentence making them sound like questions. Listen to your own language and that of other women and you’ll see the prevalence this speech habit. Speaking a statement like a question diminishes its power. Make statements sound like statements; drop into a lower tone at the end.

No need to become harsh or domineering.

Women’s unique way of communicating tends to be collaborative, consensus-building and inviting – much needed attributes in  conscious leadership. There’s no need to change who you are or take on a style that’s inauthentic. But it is time to put away the self-diminishing ways of speaking that stem from being afraid of your own power or from believing what your harsh inner critic has to say. Its time to stop offering up your brilliance in tentative, self-deprecating ways.

So how to begin? Start moving into authentic communication by being mindful.

First, increasing your awareness of the unhelpful speech patterns you currently use by simply listening to yourself.

Then set an intention to work on your unhelpful habits one-by-one.

Pick one that stands out and spend a week or two changing it. Then go on to another.

(This works especially well when you ask a trusted friend or colleague for support. That support can look like a non-verbal signal to remind you to stay on track.)

For more support on stepping fully into your power while being authentically yourself, check out my brand new 21 day From Timid to Awesome: Living Into My Brilliance workshop.

You’ll learn and practice effective communication skills, learn strategic presentation strategies, and build your confidence, clarity and connection.

The world is waiting for your ideas. It’s time to start sharing them boldly, fully and loudly, without diminishment or apology.

Brilliant Women:  Support is on the way! Yes, you can take charge! Learn more in an upcoming webinar.  It will be recorded if you can’t be on the live call.  Details to follow.

HOW MY DOG SAVED MY BUSINESS

August 5, 2013 Reply

My dog saved the day, saved my business and that’s why I love him. In playing with Beezley and experiencing his unconditional love, I reconnected to myself, to my deep enthusiasm and concrete belief in what I’m up to in this world, and finally, who I am.

These past few months have been exciting and hard…ever since I made the decision to transform the way I run my business. Exciting because I kept a clear, though imaginary, roadmap pinned before my eyes. I could see where I was and knew the destination. I had a plan to get me there and sharp tools for the trip.

For the first time in my life, I was also really inviting in support, so I found it! Not only support for online marketing and my upcoming tele-summit, but GREAT support. I felt part of an effective and talented team.

Amazing!

And I was sure that I was going to get there, I worked longer hours with more focus than I can remember doing for years. Some of the work wasn’t at all of interest to me, but just needed doing. I stayed mindful of the necessities and often felt in flow – just doing the next thing, next.

I researched and read, watched webinars on marketing, spent more hours at the computer, more hours strategizing with my supporters, even hours hiring the right assistant. Workflow charts, blogging, making videos, creating offers, writing auto-responders, learning editing software, setting up a new accounting program and testing project management software. Work and more work. And all of it around the clients I was currently coaching.

And I saw my own teacher (I am a Ridhwan student) regularly, did weekly inquiry to stay clear and on track and out of the outdated, outworn stories about what is possible for me.

Of course, it all cost money, too. Money I borrowed from my pension plan. Money I borrowed from family. Money I wasn’t sure I would be able to repay or replace anytime soon, if ever.

Yet, I knew what I wanted and I was going for it…without excuses, without hesitation, without certainty of success- but HOPE – big, barrels of hope and a firm commitment to do whatever was required and a conviction that I had something valuable to offer to the world – these were all part of the mix.

Most of the time, I felt enlivened, noticing every cell in my body resonating, enthusiasm spilling through me like slow paint. Decision after decision, user guide after user guide, video correction after video correction, I went all out, stayed with it and forged ahead.

My lovely dog, Beezley, gave up some long hikes for shorter trots in the neighborhood. He hung out near my feet as I packed in whole days on the computer and phone. He even took his vitamins with less fuss. After 11 hour days on the computer, he hopped enthusiastically up on the bed to keep me company, when I collapsed at night.

And all that’s been great. Truly great and I’m deeply appreciative. He’s a handsome, supportive and understanding companion, easy to be with and a great camper- but that’s not why I love my dog.

This week I got sick…terrible burning sore throat and some sort of infection that made me feel like a dirty doormat. The “bug” ate up all my energy. Worse, it ate up my enthusiasm and belief in this vision. The dream lost its color, went stale, heavy, dull.

A harsh inner voice started taunting me with messages like, “You’re wasting your time. Who do you think you are anyway?” And mostly, I was too tired to defend against it.

I started feeling drained, then exhausted and then really, really unsure – second guessing what I am up to, questioning every decision…wondering if I’m making a BIG mistake or worse, delusional. My head went fuzzy about even the simplest task. And that nasty voice kept me obsessing about the money all this was costing me.

Now some people talk to their dogs – a lot. Not me. I generally keep our conversations short. So I wasn’t sharing – at least not verbally what was transpiring.

And Beezley, while smart and with it IS a dog.

But last night, when I felt I had hit a stark low – no energy to move, no idea what to do next and not enough juice to call anyone for support, Beezley jumped up on the sofa with me. Peering into my eyes like a wise sage, he curled himself into the crook of my body and began to lick away my tears.

Slowly, methodically, Beezley cleaned me up…snotty nose and all. What’s more, he somehow conveyed the message that this was just a temporary setback, that everything was really OKAY and that we – him and I, were just fine.

Beezley let me know I was good enough, despite what gremlins were whispering from within my muddled, feverish mind. He showed me that I was loved and that love was more important than just about anything else.

He didn’t need my videos to be perfect or my blogs to shimmer with wisdom and clarity. He didn’t care whether I mastered the learning curve of all the new software programs dotting my desktop.

Beezley just cared about me, how I was doing, whether I was down and what he could do to make me feel better. We were a team. He reminded me of what counts most – love and compassion.

Go figure that my dog would be such a good teacher. His compassion fueled my own. I re-aligned my priorities, sank into the ready affection we share, shucked off my cares and began to play with him, making both of us happy and a bit goofy.

And in playing with Beezley, experiencing his unconditional love, I reconnected to myself, to my deep enthusiasm and concrete belief in what I’m up to in this world, and finally…who I am. And THAT’S how my dog saved the day, my business and why I love him!