Coaching | The Valiant Group

Does Your Life Really Work? Check it Out.

You have lots of feelings. They play throughout your day. Some of them make you feel great while others clearly do not! You often talk about your emotions with trusted folks. Not so much, your needs. Why?

Are you as aware of your needs? Do you reflect on whether they are being met? You might want to tune into these important indicators of where you are in your life.

Most people, when beginning this exploration, name less than a handful of needs. It may be that they haven’t given much thought to these, or that they prefer to live in the “moment by moment” exploration of their feelings. Yet those very feelings arise from needs being either met or unmet. So…

Look at this far from definitive list of needs. Really look. Then think about your life. Where are these needs being fulfilled and where are there holes?

You cannot begin to move into living a fuller, richer life without reflection. While the list below isn’t exhaustive, its a great starting place.

And if you want to go deeper, as you reflect on these needs, note which needs aren’t being fulfilled. Ask yourself, what would it look, feel and be like if this need were being met? How can I begin moving in that direction? Who can support me in that movement?

Then begin…

You don’t have to be in crisis, to start a movement toward living a more yeasty, fulfilling life.

You do have to examine yours. So go for it.

CONNECTION

acceptance

affection

appreciation

belonging

cooperation

communication

closeness

community

companionship

compassion

consideration

consistency

empathy

inclusion

intimacy

love

mutuality

nurturing

respect/self-respect

safety

security

stability

support

to know and be known

to see and be seen

to understand and

be understood

trust

warmth

HONESTY

authenticity

integrity

presence

PLAY

joy

humor

PEACE

beauty

communion

ease

equality

harmony

inspiration

order

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

air

food

movement/exercise

rest/sleep

sexual expression

safety

shelter

touch

water

MEANING

awareness

celebration of life

challenge

clarity

competence

consciousness

contribution

creativity

discovery

efficacy

effectiveness

growth

hope

learning

mourning

participation

purpose

self-expression

stimulation

to matter

understanding

AUTONOMY

choice

freedom

independence

space

spontaneity

The Shadow of Great Leadership

Leaders are the target of a lot of writing. Blogs, articles, courses. I know. I’m one of the perpetrators. Executives, coaches, consultants and entrepreneurs are leaders – of small to large teams and organizations. If you are one, the writing targets you.

Much of the advice is useful. Especially articles and blogs that focus on emotional intelligence and what we’re learning from neuroscience that directly impacts adult behavior change. More and more research shows that self-aware leaders move from being effective to being great. (See my discussion on LinkedIn.)

Understanding themselves well, leads these great leaders to understanding others – which is better than simply sympathizing. Why? Because understanding leads to compassion – and compassion is not hierarchical. Its holistic and egalitarian.

Where the stage goes dark (pun intended) is on the shadow-side of leadership. Very little is written about the shadow side of leadership – for good reason. Shadow work takes courage, takes time and is often difficult.

And there can be little self-awareness until some shadow work occurs. Uncovering for yourself what has been hidden surfaces what you project onto others. And once you begin to see the projections, you can take responsibility for your part.

In addition to knowing yourself better, you grow the capacity to understand others – how they operate in the world, on your team in your organization. Wouldn’t that be useful going forward?

Its also true that shadow work is deep, scary and often avoided or sacrificed to more “skill based” development – like presentation skills or accounting. But because it is so fundamental, it cannot be overlooked when a leader wants to make deep, lasting shifts.

So what is shadow work and what does working with it look like?

William Faulkner, the great American writer said, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

That’s a good way to begin thinking about your shadow. Its the part of you, arising from your past that lives on in your unconscious, but acts out in day to day behavior. It shows up is the judgments you hold about others and in your interpretations of their actions.

Why? The parts of you, as a child, that weren’t appreciated or accepted may have gone far underground, but you’re still carrying them. And when something triggers a strong reaction, you can be sure, your shadow is behind it.

Also, as David Richo, author, therapist and teacher explained, your projections onto others sheds light on your own material.When you look at the judgment you make of others, you can discern some things in yourself you avoid seeing.

Are you triggered by a controlling partner (in business or life)? Most likely there’s a controlling part of you that you’re denying, not willing to see. And the way to work with that is to begin to admit to yourself what lurks beneath consciousness.

You may shy away from the controlling parts of yourself from an experience (or belief) that controlling people are manipulative, demanding and worse, domineering. Whatever the reason, as a leader, until you surface and begin to shift your responses, your leadership suffers.

Shadow work takes skillful, ongoing support. You can’t do it alone. So, great leaders get that support, from coaches, therapists and skilled professional…and they do the work! They know that reaching their full potential requires it. And they demonstrate courage in taking on the challenge.

Unlike talking therapy, shadow-work requires action in the office, on the tennis court, at home. It includes specific practices, tailored to the individual after an in depth conversation and assessment, and its an ongoing process of discovery, awareness and action.

Your shadow doesn’t just hide the dark, often negative qualities we think of first – anger, jealousy, greed. It can also hide loyalty, generosity, brilliance, empathy.

The good news about this process is that once begun, uncovering the qualities liberates your energy – the energy you’ve burnt up in keeping the lid on – for creative pursuits. Innovation comes from that creativity as does balance – qualities that great leaders share.

While there are so many positive outcomes from doing this work, it comes with the warning that shadow-work is not for the feint of heart. It requires courage, open-mindedness, commitment and follow-through. Wow, aren’t those the qualities those myriad articles, blogs and lectures aimed at leadership underscore?

Annette is a former high school principal, a certified Integral Coach, an Accelerated Learning specialist and curriculum developer. She is an NLP trained executive coach and co-author of The Game of Truth: A Humorous Guide to Self-Discovery.Annette has taught Power Reading, Memory and Creativity courses around the globe. Her coaching and teaching has taken her to South Africa, Greece, Singapore and Moscow and she has presented workshops at Stanford, USC, Wellesley, Amherst, George Mason University and University of Arizona. Annette has facilitated Ropes Courses and led executive trainings at Anheiser Busch and Nikon. She counts among her clients leaders at NASA, Genentech, Twitter, Clorox, Intel, Cisco and SpaWars. Click here to receive to get your 5 Minute Planning Tool.

The Little Known Secret That Will Make You A Great Leader and 7 Ways To Manage It

If you want to be a great leader, you have on your team or will soon hire, benign subversives. These are desirable team employees but not for the usual reasons.

What is a benign subversive? Great question!

A benign subversive may be a naysayer or simply someone who sees things very differently. She (or he) stands out because she doesn’t subscribe to the “groupthink” of a solid enterprise. Moreover, she isn’t shy about sharing her thoughts, ideas or criticism. Sometimes “hard to take”, this person really has a lot to offer.

As a great leader, you can corral the worthwhile opinions, analysis or criticism without taking the “sting” that often attaches, personally. In fact, having the support of a benign subversive may be the magical formula to resolving serious, entrenched issues in your product, service, operations or strategy.

A benign subversive is a person working for the overall benefit of the organization but in unique, often not aligned with the protocol, ways. In other words, doing her own thing while bringing about desirable results – often great results.

The benign subversive can have irregular work habits or irreverent meeting protocol. She may show up in strange dress or pontificate about weird food fetishes, spout strong opinions about matters most people consider private.

Does it matter if her offerings are brilliant?

In the old days, these people were demoted or even fired. Keeping to a protocol was so highly valued that anyone playing a different game was out! And naysaying wasn’t allowed.

Today, we’re finding that especially astute great leaders hire and nurture these people. Though they work with fuzzier lines to their box, are a bit messier with their colors, benign subversives bring original thinking to their problem solving. They often think so far out of the box, they come up with innovative products or services. Or even question core values and force everyone else to do so!

Another appeal of these folks may be that they invite new customers or clients into the organizations – nontraditional ones, more like themselves, opening up new income streams.

Gary R. Coulton writes:

History is littered with examples of leaders, organisations and even governments whose drive to uphold an increasingly untenable core vision mutates into self-fulfilling “groupthink.” The organisation ends up assuming the best of everything and never prepares for the worst.

Schlomo Ben Hur, Nikolas Kinley and Karsten Jonsen describe this destructive scenario wonderfully in their paper “Coaching Executive Teams to Reach Better Decisions.”

“Leaders can get stuck in groupthink because they’re really not listening, or they’re listening only to what they want to listen to, or they actually think they’re so right that they’re not interested in listening. And that leads to a lot of suboptimal solutions in the world.” ~Jacqueline Novogratz founder and CEO of Acumen Fund, a non-profit global venture capital fund

And if you’re sold on the desirability of these, you’ll still have to learn to nurture them ( and transcend your own discomfort). Dealing with these team members may not be easy – at first. What’s required is curiosity and a re-frame of your thinking. Here are seven key steps:

1. Center yourself. If you are grounded, you’re less likely to be triggered by what you’ll hear.

2. Assume the benign subversive has the organization’s best interests at heart (that’s the re-frame required).

3. Get very curious about what she or he brings to the table. Ask lots of questions. Hear her out. Take notes. Thank her.

4. Don’t commit. Tell her you’ll reflect on what she brought.

5. Reflect – really think about the content of the message, rather than the method of delivery. (Often these aren’t diplomatic in their presentation. So what? Its the ideas you’re after.)

6. Try offering these ideas to other decision makers in your own language, with a positive spin to see what might be added, subtracted, altered or dismissed, then reflect some more.

7. Decide – as the leader. Take action, even it is no change at all.

By nurturing the benign subversive you’ll guarantee fresh viewpoints, different insights, original processes and an end to “groupthink.” But even better, you’ll cultivate your own curiosity and flexibility as a leader – qualities that lead to greatness.

So begin your search now.

And for more great resources and insights like these, I invite you to listen to this strategy session. It offers tools, strategies, and mindsets for staying calm in chaos, choosing effective action, massive productivity (with minimal stress), and the confidence to take the right, strategic leaps in your business so you can create success, faster.

Relaxed Productivity: The Secret You Need to Know

It’s 8:30 a.m. and I’m deeply into my day. Swirling through my head are the tasks I’ve promised myself to accomplish today. Yet I’m feeling stress free.

That’s right, you got it – free from stress.

My list isn’t shorter than yours or easier. It contains the usual suspects – business and personal items, some urgent, some dictated by others, some my own, some wishful, some in-between, and some that won’t ever get done.

So why aren’t I stressed by a list yay long?

I have a system for prioritizing that lets me relax, knowing that the critical items – those that align with my values, will not only be completed, but will be celebrated. This system not only makes me more productive, easier in my boots (okay, shoes) but also gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “getting it done” – a meaning I emphatically endorse.

So what is that?

“Getting it done” means completing the right tasks, the ones that move you forward towards your goals or further into your values, not just ticking off items on an endless “to do” list. And when these get done, there’s a feeling of completion which includes celebration.

Celebration isn’t a word often associated with productivity, but think about it. How does one respond to a sense of completion? And, what builds the momentum to keep on, keepin’ on the next day, and the next and the one after that?

What really happens when you complete an important or urgent task? (Yes there is a distinction, read on.) There is a physiological shift. Your breathing alters so your nervous system settles. If you put your attention there, you feel that “juicy goodness” and expand a bit.

Your self-worth ratchets up a little too – and that further impacts your body. Taking all that together, even in the 60 seconds you allow, is a celebration…and if you do nothing else, you are building momentum for whatever is next.

What gets in the way, you may be asking? Ahhh…. great question!

What most often gets in the way of productivity is confusion and overwhelm. There IS much to do, and in many arenas. How do you decide? Especially when you feel that setting aside time to plan puts you even further behind.

Many intelligent, resourceful folks just wade in… and then almost drown from lack of planning. They tell me they just “aren’t productive enough” but the truth is, they aren’t productive in a useful, systematic way.

That doesn’t have to be you. So what can help you become both productive and relaxed?

You can learn to use my 5 Minute Planning Tool and build your productivity muscles. Much like strength training, becoming more productive in a useful, meaningful way requires practice – regular practice. But you don’t have to get to a gym and you won’t have fees to pay, yet your results will be worth every moment invested.

This method didn’t originate with me. Yet, I’ve tailored it to my life, my needs and used it with hundreds of clients – all to great success. Now you can too. I call it The 5 Minute Planning Tool and if you haven’t seen it already, you can find it here, on the top right side of the page.

With this planning tool, you first determine what is truly important to you. This seems simple but when was the last time you prioritized? Then you look at external deadlines that MUST be met.

Once you have the scope of importance and urgency clear, you funnel your daily tasks through those filters. Next you align them on your calendar. And voila – no more confusion and no more overwhelm.

You know what most needs doing TODAY, relax into getting tasks moving you forward towards your goals, meet deadlines and eliminate mental and physical clutter. Plus, you celebrate – completion and this purposeful sense of yourself as a mover and shaker in your world.

Sound good? It IS and its easy with a little practice. Making the 5 Minute Planning Tool part of every morning, sets you up for relaxed productivity. Once you’ve practiced for a few weeks, its becomes second nature. Its good for you and everyone you know.

So now, at 9:10, and I am ready to move on to the next important task on my list, feeling grateful. Why? Because I finished an item that aligns with my intention of providing value to you.

4 Steps to Zest

Sylvie, looked down at her coffee cup and told me, defeatedly, “I feel like I’m asleep. I’ve been asleep for years.” Sylvie, a new client, was exploring her sense of being stuck at her job and what to do about it. But her real pain arose because she felt that her lethargy at work was creating difficulties at home, as well as with her sense of worth.

She continued, ‘My performance reviews are good, and I go along with creating the requisite goals on paper with the head of HR, but they are illusory…because they aren’t really challenges. I know I’ll achieve them before the signature hits the page. Its all a ‘been there, done, that’ sort of feeling.”

Things were going well for Sylvie. She had maintained a mid-level management position in a mid-sized company for years. She was well liked and enjoyed her peers. She knew the ropes and did her work efficiently and well, was decently paid and had the usual perks…so what was wrong? Why seek coaching?

When leaders, managers and supervisors “fall asleep” in their careers, they’ve lost a lot more than passion. Being on automatic pilot may sound like a good idea, but when we explore it more fully, we actually find its awful!

Not only does that state describe an ongoing feeling of zero passion, it also points to a total lack of imagination, learning and growth. Yikes – those are serious losses for any intelligent, resourceful leader.

And to have years or even decades pass in that state of “comfort” impacts you not only at work, but at home, too!

Your aliveness which has dissolved into boredom, complacency and mindless “doing” at work can’t inspire or engage the loved ones with whom you’re sharing – at the dinner table, over coffee, or in bed.

And when you confront yourself in the mirror, you’re not happily smiling but rather almost ignoring the face reflected back to you.

Call it “settling” or a “stalemate” or simply “dancing the same old dance” that repeating pattern is stealing an important chunk of who you really are.

Putting the zest back into your career (and your life as a result) doesn’t require drastic measures. It does take a commitment – to your own development, your own richness…and you can do it in four simple steps.

Step One: Reflect backwards and find scenarios when a project, an initiative was fully engaging. (These can be career related or not.)

Step Two: Jot down who was involved; the challenges, the environment; your strategies for success; the rewards for completing the project.

Step Three: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Experience the emotions, sensations that arise as you reflect on the engagement. Notice where the aliveness in you showed up (your belly, your chest, your hands or…) Stay with the sensations until you have a physical locale.

Step Four: Write down the answers to: What Was I Learning? What’s something I’d like to learn now? How can I go about that? Who could support me?

Once you’ve got these answers and have nailed down some of the sensations, you have a roadmap and a barometer.

What this means to you is that you can begin to incorporate places in your life where the answers to step two live. If they aren’t available, build them in – either at work or after. That’s the map part.

Then, as you experiment ( its going to be trial and error for a while) use the sensations you surfaced in step three to as the barometer. Are you getting closer to feeling that zest? If so, do more. If not, it times to try something else.

HINT: Sometimes you can mistake zest for fear! You might mislabel your sense of aliveness as fear because its become unfamiliar during “the long sleep”. When you notice the emotion that you are calling fear, check it out thoroughly. What are you really afraid of? Is it manageable? Or are you actually feeling the challenge, the potential learning, the engagement with the unknown and calling it by the wrong name?

Sometimes, this is a journey best taken with a coach. The support and accountability and motivation that a coaching program creates, may be the impetus for moving you out of the “yawns” and into the “aha” sector of you life.

Yes, there are ways to integrate challenge, learning and growth into your life RIGHT NOW!

By identifying something of value you’d like to achieve, know, explore, you can round up support (colleagues, direct reports, bosses) and collaboratively come up with ways to incorporate it into your work life.

Failing that, you can look for another outlet – a new skill, take a challenging class, become proficient at a new sport, join a group, or get a coach to move you off your spot. The learning and inspiration will cross pollinate your work life and your personal life. Good books entertain; great books tip your world ever so slightly. Don’t be surprised if reading I AM THE MESSENGER shifts your perspective on your own life. The story is so good that it breaks your heart. You’ll have new people to interact with, something fresh to report on, a new level of challenge to reflect upon and a launchpad for a wider perspective.

And you’ll wake up! Blast through that deadening feeling of being asleep at the wheel of your life, which makes you dull and ultimately makes you rigid. The initial blast may be a tiny on the Richter scale, but the rumbles will attract more movement – after shocks that will lead to more passion, more aliveness, more growth.

Sure you can start small. And perhaps you’ll gain momentum for bigger changes. For sure, you’ll add some zest to your day to day that will serve you well in every area of your life.

So go for it. Today! Now! What are you waiting for?

Connect or Your Health Will Suffer

“Copious scientific data proves that loneliness is a greater risk to your health than smoking or lack of exercise, and finding your tribe is better than any vitamin, diet, or exercise regimen.”

– Lissa Rankin, M.D.

You’re smart. You’re savvy.You’re conscious. You keep up.

You don’t smoke. You know all about “trans-fats” and bad cholesterol. You read up on the latest health advice, get regular check-ups and are aware of your need for sleep.

You try hard to exercise and eat well, avoid all the “bad” stuff and drink in moderation. Perhaps you’ve cut out (or back) sugar and caffeine. You know that taking care of yourself is an important responsibility.

Do you also know that loneliness has a more powerful effect on your health than all of the above?

What’s the BEST health advice for you?

Lissa Rankin is an MD who recently wrote the runaway NYT bestselling book Mind Over Medicine. In it she digs deep into peer-reviewed medical research from the most reputable establishments on the planet in an effort to discover what really causes and/or prevents disease.

Connection is important – more important than what you eat or how much you exercise. Yet, it rarely is spoken about in the media. You don’t see ads for “make friends” like you see for “drink milk”. Maybe you should!

In your brain, you have a connection making hormone, oxytocin, which builds your social self. When you’re connected to another person, it floods your brainwaves, makes your stress level decrease and you feel good.

Oxytocin has come through thousands of years of evolution, telling us that despite our best efforts to see ourselves as separate, special individuals, we are social creatures – bound to one another and yet unique. And when those bonds are weak – you suffer.

Who do you spend time with? Who is in your tribe? Is it time to expand your tribe? How often do you really talk frankly to a friend, lover, partner? How much do you reveal of what’s on your mind, especially when it’s troubling?

If you are really committed to your own well-being, check your calendar. When was the last time you spent an evening with friends, had dinner with someone close, took a walk and talked sincerely about what’s happening in your life? If those events are infrequent, sporadic or non-existent for long periods of time, you are hurting yourself. It’s time to change things up.

Ask yourself: Who do I spend time with? Who is in my tribe? Is it time to expand my tribe? How often do I to really talk frankly to a friend, lover, partner? How much do I reveal of what’s on my mind, in my heart, especially when its troubling?

If your answers are: infrequently, now is the time to change that. Here are some ways to do it

Deepen relationships you already have by changing the conversation. Sports and work chat are fine, but it’s time to go deeper.
Look around at your life and see what potential friends are lurking in the background. Move at least one person a week forward with a phone call, lunch date, conversation over the water cooler that’s more than gossip or task related. Then see who you resonate with and take it deeper.
Put spending time with an important someone on the calendar as a regular “date”. Don’t expect chance to make it happen. You must make it happen – and regularly.

Well-being is more than what you eat, how much exercise and rest you get. It includes how much stress you experience. And it’s about how well and how often you connect with others.

**********

Do you make time for connection? Do you feel like it’s enough or do you need more? Please share your comments here, thanks.

Productivity isn’t about simply “getting things done”

Hi It’s Annette and The Valiant Group,

Are you being as productive as you want to be?

Productivity isn’t about simply “getting things done”.

It’s about moving into your dreams…dreams for career, business, relationship, service, creativity, and the exploration of what’s possible in your life…by creating outcomes instead of just checking the “to-do’s” off the list.

Now, you’ve probably heard of Pareto’s 80/20 rule. It states that 80% of your results comes from 20% of your input.

So, for example, if you have 10 things that you could do to do to get a new client, what are the two most important, highest leverage actions that you can take to reach that outcome? Do those two things first…then do then do the other things on the list if you have time (or outsource / delegate them).

This is a perspective and strategy that has contributed to the successes of tens of thousands of people, worldwide.

If you’ve not already seen it, this 5 Minute Planning Tool is easy way to get more productive by leveraging the power of the 80/20 rule.

You’ll be amazed at the outcomes you achieve, the flow in your day, and the peace in your mind and heart.

If you’re tired of just being “busy” and ready to triple your productivity, results, and success everyday, enjoy the video (10 minutes) if you haven’t already.

Warmly,

Annette

P.S. Are you ready to make your dreams a real part of your life? Imagine how it will feel to get things done (the RIGHT things) and get out of overwhelm!

Mindfulness is Not Enough

Sorry, my friends, but mindfulness is not enough.

Why you ask? There’s so much evidence for the benefits – hardcore scientific evidence.

True, I say and I’m a proponent – don’t get me wrong.

I’m not saying mindfulness practices aren’t important – of course they are – essential even. I’m saying that alone, they aren’t enough. Here’s why.

Long before you were able to take up a mindfulness practice, you developed a personality.

And that personality, in the first let’s say 7 years of your life, was deeply impressed by what your caretakers, felt, thought, modeled, liked and disliked.

Did they approve of risk taking? Did they frown on assertiveness preferring “good manners”?

Did they reward savings and question spending? How did they handle clinginess or expressions of anger or desire or sibling rivalry?

Because as a very young person, you needed ( not just wanted, but needed) to feel safe and loved, and you were so vulnerable, you developed traits and behaviors that were approved of. You shunted other parts of yourself into “the shadow”. It was intelligent. It made you feel secure.

These disowned parts could be either “good” or “bad” – didn’t matter. Some got splintered off because having them triggered survival issues – fear of abandonment, fear of losing nourishment, support, safety, approval.

For example, if your parents got upset when you showed generosity and said something like, “You’ll be taken advantage of. You have to watch out for other people. Be very careful.” The quality of generosity in yourself may have gone underground only to live on in your shadow.

Maybe your parents really approved of self-sufficiency and so you tried to be strong, responsible, take the initiative. You may have sent the part of you that needed support, undercover. And when it surfaces in your adult life now, like your generosity, you start feeling really uncomfortable, unsafe- as though your survival depends on staying strong though you know all people need support at one time or another.

The problem is your mind can’t make sense of the discomfort, anxiety, fear because they don’t live in the mind. They live in your body.

It makes sense to your mind that of course, everyone has needs, why not you? Yet your body still connects to the young person’s sense of insecurity when you step away from the approval and love of your Mommy (or whoever cared for you).

And as you grow up, your culture adds to your shadow material. It too approves of some traits and behaviors and represses others. More suffering in twisting to “fit in” and ‘succeed” by the culture’s definition.

And because this shadow operates unconsciously, mindfulness isn’t enough. Mindfulness alone won’t surface your shadow material. You have to set out on the hero’s journey to uncovered and reclaim those parts of you that you lost along the way. The hero’s journey, after facing great obstacles is always a coming home to yourself…the true you, the whole you..

I call it a hero’s journey because as Robert Johnson said, “The process of civilization involves suppressing into our shadow side those traits and patterns that are not culturally acceptable. This sorting process is quite arbitrary. Individualism, for instance, is a great virtue in some societies and the greatest sin in others. But this sorting process is two-edged — some of the pure gold of our personalities is relegated to the shadow because it can find no place in the great leveling process that is culture. Curiously, people resist the noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than they hide the dark sides.

It takes a concerted effort, true courage to live into your wholeness, fulfillment and authenticity and you can’t do it alone.

Come join with like-minded others in Transforming Your Shadow – a 3 week virtual event where thought leaders and masters provide wisdom, tools and support for this journey home to yourself.

At no charge, you can join in the conversation at www.transformingyourshadow.com

Conflicted Over Conflict? Stay Tuned In

You have a story about “conflict”, oh yes, you do. If you give me your definition of the word and some examples, your narrative about conflict emerges.

Your story may include statements like “She always battles my ideas!” or “He has to have things his way or no way!” or “Our boss isn’t forward thinking -resting on past successes.” or hundreds of other reasons conflict arises in your life.

Your examples are unique. Yet, they share something with most people on the planet. Whatever examples you give, one of the chief causes of pain (call it anxiety, discomfort, anger, or other tough emotions to sit with) is caused by conflict as you currently define it.

And critical to note, your idea of conflict while conscious, is informed by your early experiences of conflict – emotional and physical experiences that have gone underground and may not be available to your consciousness.

For example, if as a toddler conflict (perhaps between parents or siblings) felt life threatening, you might have constricted your breathing, or tensed your small rib cage in panic. Perhaps you hid behind a large chair or under the bed until calm reigned again.

Today, when you encounter conflict, you “know” you life isn’t in danger, but your body resorts to the old pattern and you may want to run away or hide still.

Or perhaps you came out screaming at the adults in conflict, red faced, tear stained and furious.

That “puffing up” way of dealing is still there, only to be taken out when triggered.

Conflict still causes you pain – only more so because you worry about your reaction to it on top of worrying about the conflict itself. Make sense?

And what do we humans generally do with pain? Avoid it – at all costs. Avoidance comes in many flavors yet the result is that you never grow past an outworn way of dealing with conflict.

For leaders the cost of avoidance is higher than for most.

Awesome leaders, unlike the run of the mill type, don’t avoid conflict. They tune in to it because they have a definition that extends beyond “pain”. They hold conflict as generative!

So, (take a deep breath here) what does that mean? And how does it work? And why should you care?

I’ll start with the last question first and work backwards.

Whether you lead a team, a non-profit, an entire corporation or a head a small business, you can be powerful and clear when the inevitable conflict arises and use it to move forward. That’s right, use conflict to move ahead with your vision. Conflict can be the impetus for great things – finely honed ideas, better strategic, streamlined functionality, more inclusion, improved processes, better ways to serve your clients….

In the wind tunnel of your own mind, your ideas seem sound…and the fact that they are the only ones in there, supports that notion. Only when marched out into the light of other eyes and ears, can you evaluate your ideas – and either modify, if that’s what’s called for, or stand tall behind them in the face of criticism or abandon them altogether and start over.

And when “The Idea” is being presented by some member of your organization, listening to the responses of others can often make a “good” idea – great! The key is to get those others past reactivity – often the first impulse – to responsiveness.

Here’s how that works: You Must Model. Yes, you have to model a way of being with conflict that expands on your current definition! Model it again and again and people will notice. At first, in awe, then in curiosity and finally seeing the value. And you can incorporate this as a plank in the culture of your organization.

If you can find the value in conflict – what it offers – and stay out of your history with it – you can appreciate it and finally, welcome it. That process begins with unhooking the personal from the idea. They are not the same!

You, me and everyone we know are much more than the ideas we offer up. Holding conflict as generative means being able to separate the person from what they are saying, in the moment they are saying it. It sounds simple but it isn’t easy. It requires a shift – emotionally (staying out of the angry red zone) , intellectually (asking yurself ? what is the value of the what is being stated) and physically (how can you relax your nervous system and stay open). More to come on the specifics of this in the next blog.

Leaders make decisions. One way or another.

Great leaders have developed the capacity to handle opposing views, weigh the merits respectfully and then mobilize their forces behind a direction without excluding anyone. When a leader can do all this graciously, you can be sure she has learned to hold conflict as generative rather than as a problem. She has the ability to stay tuned in and grounded, open and curious and decisive. Isn’t that the kind of leader you want to be?

If so, return to your definition of conflict and expand upon it. Here’s how. Extract your painful history with conflict from this moment. Look at only what is on the operating table now. Ask yourself:

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”450px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#B3AC52″ ]

What do I need to stay open and curious?
What can I gain from hearing all points of view?
How can I appreciate different perspectives?
Once I’ve determined the path, how can I mobilize everyone to action?[/dropshadowbox]

Armed with these questions, your relationship to conflict can soften, open and expand. And while you may have relapses, holding the intention (somatically, emotionally and cognitively) to see conflict as generative will ultimately make you a stronger, wiser person and leader.

LEARNING TO LOVE CONFLICT

“That can’t possibly work! The roll out time will coincide with our busiest season. And the engineers are scrambling as it is. Siphoning off talent to work on this will handicap us.” Jeff bellowed, riled up by Amy’s presentation of a new product design.

The air was suddenly sucked out of the conference room. Amy stood stock still at the whiteboard – everyone’s eyes riveted to her face.

She was newly promoted talent; coming up fast through the ranks of design engineers as a hard-working, creative and highly efficient team leader. In addition to her design skills, she worked well with people, which is why, Michael, the CEO had promoted her.

Now he was watching her from behind his owl-like glasses, waiting for a reaction to Jeff’s
attack, calm and curious.

Amy, took a few long breaths, lined up her feet on the carpet for balance and looked at Jeff directly. Then, quietly but distinctly, she said “I appreciate your perspective. You make some good points. Let me address why I think this the right time to begin development on this product and perhaps you can help flush out the details.”

Oxygen returned to the room. MIchael, nodded and said to himself, “This conflict is going to be productive.”

Conflict comes with a bad rap. It’s never pleasant, easy or what you’d choose off a Chinese menu. Yet, if you work for a healthy organization, it is an important part of big decisions. So you need to know how to “be with conflict” in a way that supports your brilliance, the organization you work for and yourself. (And for women, it is often particularly challenging.)

Learning to exhale goes a long way towards funding the ability to handle conflict. And balancing, in your sweet spot, is required as well. It also helps to depersonalize the conflict – not feeling that you are under attack, but rather your ideas – a hard stretch but necessary.

Yet these skills, hardwon for sure, and absolutely necessary, are insufficient if you want to be brilliant at what you do! They are critical first steps, but not what is at the heart of living into your brilliance.

So what is?

The big leap, a mile-high one, is to see conflict as generative.

Yep, generative…. a welcome arena to enter into armed with the knowledge that different perspectives often hone, polish and improve your idea…build it out or repair the parts that may be slightly flawed. Sometimes, conflict acts as the much needed fuel that allows you to bolster a design, a concept, a process. Sometimes only in the conflict can you find out the strength of your commitment. And if doesn’t serve up any of these, it may simply allow other’s energy a valid place to come to rest.

We grow up taught to “play nice”. And in most situations, it feels right. Yet breakthroughs in medicine, science, art – any human endeavor – did not come about by “playing nice”. Instead, questioning, arguing, debating- subverting the dominant paradigm – brought us breakaway advances in technology, architecture, health care and so on.

If we stifle our best ideas, our controversial designs, our “outside the lines” concepts from fear of conflict, what are we really doing? And how does that playing small in the face of conflict shrivel us more and more over time? It isn’t a way to work (or to be) and you don’t have to take it on.

Sure, there are times when a great concept dies on the drawing board, or is aborted in the conference room – sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not.

Yet, killing your own ideas or more often allowing them to wilt in the face of conflict untimately shuts you down – not to mention the loss to the group, company, corporation.

So what does seeing “conflict as generative” consist of? It’s a huge mind shift. A way of taking your outworn perspective and turning it on its head – in service of something greater – your brilliance! And it takes practice.

In the next few blogs, I’ll be guiding you through the steps that move you into this way of seeing and handling conflict. (I’ve mentioned a few of the physical ones already). If you are ready to
stand up for your brilliance, watch for the next in this series on Conflict is Generative.

Oh, and what happened to Amy? Jeff heard her out fully. He reluctantly helped her craft a plan that brought her design off the screen and into 3 dimensional reality. As they worked on it together, he became more enthusiastic, adding some of his own ideas. Jeff also grudgingly, developed some respect for Amy along the way. The new product went on to add significantly to third quarter profits, not just earnings, for the company. And Michael, the CEO proudly honored both of them at a celebratory dinner.

How have you handled conflict at your workplace? Share your comments and ideas below.

The Valiant Group